The Secret Diaries of Tomb Raider Movie Characters
by Naursul
Summary: Title kinda explains it all; Hillary's Diary up... the fascinating butler life...
1. Manfred Powell

The Sercret Diary of Manfred Powell  
  
KEEP OUT! that means YOU Pimms!  
  
May 15  
  
First night of the alignment tonight. I think I might sit back with Pimms and eat some popcorn. Caramel popcorn, sounds yummy.  
  
LATER  
  
Caramel popcorn plans are off. Had a bad day. Visited Illuminati, thought I'd pop in for a cup of tea with my buddies, stupid Old Guy had to be there. Ooh, I'm sorry, "Distinguished gentleman." Psh, whatever. Stupid Old Guy always has to act like he is more evil than me. I want that big chair. Hmph. To top it all off, Pimms had to remark on how we weren't ready for the alignment. Stupid Pimms. See if I ever share any caramel popcorn with him.  
  
May 16  
  
News from an old skittish fellow today, diary. Not sure who he is, maybe I gave him a subway ticket somewhere along there, and he got hold of my number. Anyway, some chick found a clock with an eye on it. Think it might be THE clock, but don't know. Meeting this chick tomorrow. Hope she is hot. Hope she is attracted to evil men, but only if she is hot. Pimms stole my mousse this morning, couldn't find it all day, looked like a frizzball. Think I'll kill Pimms tomorrow.  
  
May 17  
  
Today much better. Pimms made up nice cover story about me being a lawyer, as opposed to psycho evil killer. Didn't kill him. On lighter note, chick is REALLY hot. Named Lara. Really suspicious though, wonder if she is evil too? Thinking the clock she has is THE clock. Will send Julius in tonight. Tried to take him to orange Julius today, he just glared at me. Suspect he might be more evil than me. Will soon fix that; planning on killing Pimms in his sleep tonight. Contacted Alex West, said he'd help me get Godly power. Like him, much less evil than me. He knows Lara, hoping they are not bouncy bouncy. Totally will ruin my chances with her.  
  
May 18  
  
Last night, Julius totally got my clock from Lara Croft, that's her last name, Croft. Sounds familiar, maybe I killed someone she is related to. Hope she doesn't find out, that would definitely ruin my chances with her. Asked Julius if she gave trouble, he said she killed half our men. Poopy. Bet she looked hot doing it though. Off to Cambodia tomorrow. By the way, didn't kill Pimms last night. Blonde hair makes him look angelic in his sleep, couldn't hurt him. More evil than Julius anyway, better hair. Maybe will kill Pimms tomorrow, when he is irritating me.  
  
May 19  
  
On plane ride to Cambodia. Dull. Eviller than everyone on plane though. Alex West asleep, earlier was talking about being a "tomb raider" and said Lara Croft was also a "tomb raider." Want Lara Croft to raid my tomb. Didn't say that out loud, in case she and Alex West are bouncy bouncy. He is also blonde; no way blondies contest with my evilness.   
  
May 20  
  
Busy day, very tired. Broke into temple, had some nice smooth evil comment about the belly of the beast. West had to ruin it with some comment about a demon's ass. Pimms looked really scared, but half smiled when Lara showed up. She has nice ass... I mean, accent. Saved me from making bad mistake. Got triangle though, took it away from me. Don't think she likes me very much, think she likes Alex. Wondering whether I should dye my hair blonde. Got a massage and invited Lara to Venice for dinner. We are headed there tomorrow. Hope she wears tight clothing.  
  
May 21  
  
Looked unbelievably evil today in Venice. Must have turned Lara on. She didn't bring the triangle, but did wear tight black clothing. Just had to rub it in about me not sitting in big chair though. Made me so mad, told secret about her father being in Illuminati, and threatened to kill her to even the score. News about her father made her mad, made me feel nice and evil. Didn't care about my threat, acted all cool. Hmph. Still evil. Haven't seen Old Guy in a while, in good mood about that. Tomorrow, we head to Russia. Lara better show, because if she doesn't my evil plan will fail. Probably. At least I have the clock, and she doesn't.  
  
May 22  
  
In serious pain here. Ceiling about to fall down, and very bloody. Lara just kicked my ass. Don't like her much, even if she is hot. Made my evil plan fail, took my pretty pocket watch. Now, can't record what time am dying. Always wanted to watch seconds tick down, can't. Julius deserted me, pretty mean guy. Pimms did too, hanging out with Lara now. Suspicions about Lara and Alex being bouncy bouncy as good as confirmed. Not at all happy; at least got to kill Old Guy and say enough of this twaddle." Worth it. At least in my last moments, I know I'm the evillest. Bye then. 


	2. Bryce Turning (Thanks Tazzy, you rock!)

The Secret Diary of Bryce  
  
For My Robots' Eyes Only-  
  
May 15  
  
Lara smushed Simon yesterday. Poor Simon. Hate it when she uses live rounds, mean to Simon. Simon doesn't even like Outkast, he likes Mozart. Just won't speak to Lara rest of day. Tomorrow will be nicer. Only if no more live rounds.  
  
May 16  
  
Lara watched sky all last night. Felt bad about not talking to her, remembered about her father. Wanted to apologize, then she woke me up at 5 AM this morning. Made me look at a clock. Then Hillary made fun of my precise measuring. Stupid butler, what does he know, anyway? Lara smashed it though, is there anything she doesn't smash? We found a prettier clock inside, but it was kind of freaky. Went to spend some time with my robots.  
  
May 18  
  
Spent the 17th doing nothing much, working on Simon, and other computer stuff. Last night some creepy men came and locked me in my trailer. Couldn't get Simon to attack them because SOMEONE used live rounds on him. Helped out Lara by contacting her through my computer, but I guess bad guys got her clock anyway. Made me kind of sad. Hillary called me nosy today. Stupid butler. Lara is going somewhere, Cambodia, I think. I don't know, I'm NOT nosy.  
  
May 19  
  
Lara not around anymore, not much to do without her. Almost done fixing Simon, Hillary worked on cleaning up mess left by bad guys some more. Built some more little robots, thought about reading a book. William Blake is an interesting poet. The all-seeing-eye is beginning to scare me. All for now.  
  
May 20  
  
Lara called. She found her triangle, or something. She always assumes I know what she is talking about. How am I supposed to know what she is talking about? Am not a genius. Well, ok, maybe am a genius, but not when it comes to women or butlers. I guess we are going to Venice. Hillary told me not to swim in the water. I KNOW I can't swim in the water Hillary. Stupid butler. Bugger! Have to go pack for Venice.  
  
May 21  
  
Lara had errands to run today, said I couldn't come. Suspect she is embarrassed to be seen with me. Don't know why I was even invited. Played on my laptop today. Downloaded new game called Snood. Very fun. Lara can save the world, I'll just play Snood. Really have gotten into William Blake, may start putting my own poetry online. Nice site called fanfiction.net, can post poetry there. Hope people like it. I usually write about robots. Later, we are heading to Russia. When she is done with her errands. Hmph.  
  
May 22  
  
Good day. Lara took me with her and was very friendly. Made new friend, named Pimms. Charming fellow, pretty hair. Watched planetary alignment with him, had lots of caramel popcorn he said he stole from his boss. Got to frolick with sled dogs. Didn't see what happened, heard Lara killed the Evil Greasy-Haired fellow and shot up triangle. The way she has been looking at Alex West provides Pimms and me with a lot of good gossip. I think she even kissed him. Women are weird. Will show Pimms robots when I get home. 


	3. Hillary (the butler)

Disclaimer: I don't own any TR characters, and I didn't before this either; I've also just read Cassandra Claire's Very Secret Diaries, and this really isn't meant to be a rip off of those, hers are much funnier anyway. On we go!  
  
The Secret Diary of Hillary  
  
For MY Eyes Only, and Bryce if You Dare Look at this I Swear Your Robots will Meet the Trash Compactor  
  
  
May 15  
  
Feel very sorry for Lara today. She didn't want me to trim the hedge because she needed quiet. Honestly, that hedge is going to look like a hurricane hit it tomorrow. It always does. Anyway, Lara very sad remembering her father. Suddenly seemed to feel better when she mauled Bryce's big robot- tried not to smirk at Bryce too too much. Tried to get Lara to wear the dress today. Laughed at me. Where did I go wrong with this girl? Plan to sneak up behind her tomorrow amd force it on. Not really my style, but nothing else seems to be working.  
  
May 16  
  
Lara found a clock last night. Smacked it with a hammer. Not my area- I just made the coffee. Apparently Lara wants to visit Mr. Wilson. Good thought, find a clock expert to find out about a clock. Took her bike, will have to force dress on her tomorrow. Buttled today. Buttled alot. Bryce fixed his robot with a few angry glares towards me. Suspect he wants me to do something for him. Scared by Bryce's glares, go to double trim Hurricane Hedge. Took a nap. Lara cooked dinner for herself tonight- burned something in a microwave. Broke the microwave. Why you have butlers, I guess.  
  
May 17  
  
Lara went to see someone else today. Told her to wear the dress. Going to start capitalizing that. Anyway, she said no. Told her to be careful crossing the street, and not to get raped. I think she glared, but am not sure, because she was wearing sunglasses. Buttled a lot today. House no fun when Lara is not around. Trimmed hedge. Ironed The Dress. Don't know why I go to trouble of doing all this. Guess it is what butlers do.  
  
May 18  
  
Last night not good- bad guys invaded house. Lara beat on a lot of them, soon as I heard breaking glass, put on my slippers and pulled out my shotgun. Don't use my shotgun much; used to on wolverines but decided that was a bit extravagant. Got a few guys, they still got Lara's clock. Very sad... then got very scared as Lara almost killed me. Changed plan about sneaking up behind her and putting on dress- too dangerous and not really very nice anyway. Had to buttle a lot thisafternoon. (A/n: That is one word!!!)  
  
May 19  
  
Lara went to Cambodia today. Why do all my entries start with "Lara?" Not like she's the only interesting thing around here. Bryce was dull dull dull today. Tried to get him to play Yatzee with me, but decided I should leave him alone with his robots. Later saw him reading a book. Very proud of him, being literate like that. Trimmed Hurricane Hedge. Buttled. Maybe Lara is the only interesting thing around here. Ho hum. All for now  
  
May 20  
  
Can't believe it; Lara is taking Bryce to Venice with her!! Now am all alone! Wanted to smash Bryce's robots when he left, but am a nice butler. Trimmed the hedge a lot today, hedge very very short now. Ironed The Dress twice. The Dress getting over-ironed. Decided to read some Blake outside and have some ice cream. Maybe house is not all bad without Bryce. Before he left, told him not to swim in the water of Venice. Glared at me. I laughed.  
  
May 23  
  
Sorry, the 21 and 22 were so much like the 20, didn't have much to write about. Was very nice, in fact, but missed Bryce and Lara. They came back today- get this, LARA WORE THE DRESS! Couldn't believe it, dropped some silverware. Later, Bryce took picture of her in The Dress, priceless photo that'll be. So glad they are back... had lots of fun watching Lara beat up Simon in The Dress. Bryce shared some caramel popcorn with me- don't know where that came from. Good though... 


End file.
